Each of us finds ourselves disagreeing with family, friends, coworkers and strangers. Whether it is about big issues or small issues, personal choices or causes to support, it feels like we are getting more deeply divided every day.
Personally, I do not want to choose my friends or colleagues based solely on whether we agree on everything. I have many friends whose company I enjoy and have spent many hours and years developing a deep relationship filled with great memories. But we don’t have the same opinions or views on everything.
But I’ve learned that some people have disowned relatives, stopped being friends with people or changed their circle of friends due to differences of opinions.
I know I am not the only one who has noticed this.
So, when I attended the International Women’s Forum Global Conference 2 weeks ago in Seattle, Washington, I was intrigued by the final plenary session entitled: The Civility Crisis- Understanding the Roots and Rise of Uncivil Behavior.
That morning’s speaker was Arthur C. Brooks, a Harvard Professor and best-selling author. I must admit that when I saw the subject matter and that he was a Harvard Professor, I made some assumptions. I assumed Brooks was a liberal with left-leaning opinions. He is one of the world’s leading experts on the science of human happiness, appearing in the media and traveling the world to teach people in private companies, universities, public agencies and faith communities how they can live happier lives and bring greater well-being to others.
As it turns out, I learned AFTER I returned home that Brooks is actually a conservative. But that didn’t shift my opinion of him or the respect I have for his work.
Brooks bases much of his philosophy on that of his good friend, the Dalai Lama. When he asked the Dalai Lama for insight on what to do in these times of great tension and divisiveness, the Dalai Lama advised: practice warm-heartedness.
The premise is that when you disagree with someone, you should ask questions and seek to understand their perspective. “Tell me more about that”, is a great way to learn more about why someone has a view different from yours. Approach others with “your most generous interpretation of their actions or opinions”.
Just because someone’s opinion is different than yours does not mean they are evil or a bad person. And as you ask them more questions about how they formed that opinion, you may find that you have more in common with them than you realized.
Here is one, very personal example: I grew up in a home where my mother was very generous and philanthropic. Anyone or any cause that approached her for a donation, she would always write a check. It may have been just $25, but it was her way of encouraging and supporting people she met. Unbeknownst to me, one member of our Temple was on the brink of divorce and almost destitute, and apparently my mom gave money to the family, secretly, for many years, so there was food on their table. So, it seems natural to me, to provide financial support to many organizations, causes and people.
My partner does not have the practice of making donations to charitable causes.
At first, I assumed that he was not a generous person and didn’t care about social causes. Instead of digging into my beliefs and making assumptions about him and his values I practiced warm-heartedness and asked him questions about his decisions.
As it turns out, he grew up in a home that was extremely poor and as a young boy, he recalls eating every meal quickly, so he got his fair share of the small amount of food on the table. There was never enough money to make ends meet at home, so he started working at age 11 to help support his family and his own education. Because he plans to live to the age of 125 (really), and he does not want to be dependent on others for financial support while he is alive, he has decided to make significant donations, upon his death, to specific charities he has passions for. And along the way, when friends reach out and ask him to support them in their meaningful charitable endeavors, he makes smaller donations occasionally.
By taking a warm-hearted approach to understanding, I learned that philanthropy comes in many forms and in many ways. My approach is not the only approach.
Professor Brooks encourages people to talk with each other to seek understanding, even when you do not agree. Even the titles of his best-selling books tell the story: Love Your Enemies ,which I read last week, and From Strength to Strength ,(which I read last year) are just two of his 11 best-selling books.
Think about yourself at work. Are there coworkers who you think are jerks because of the news shows they watch? Or that their level of professional presence is different from yours? Instead of judging them, why not ask them about how they achieved success? Ask them to tell you about their families, their previous career journey and other personal and professional insights. I’m pretty sure by asking sincere questions about them, you will find you have more in common than you previously believed, and you will cease judging them on one dimension.
And then, your working relationships will get better and more cooperative. You will have found some common ground from which to move forward.
The same applies in your personal life. Variety is the spice of life. It is far more interesting to have a bit of friendly tension and challenge in conversations where you are not afraid to disagree on some things, and still share your basic human value of respect for others.
Thank you Arthur Brooks for opening up my mind to how to better understand people whose opinions are different from mine. Being different definitely doesn’t make them evil.
Think about it.
Onward and upward,
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